June 2, 2008 I am among the ministers of God.

This lesson has dug up a feeling of defensiveness long buried. Immediately I felt, “I don’t want to be a minister!” It’s not that I am being arrogant nor falsely humble. It’s that word. It is how I’ve come to define that word. Other people can be ministers but not me. Lisa Natoli, gorgeous for God, is a minister and she is happy being one and that is really cool. Not me? Actually I do it everyday here and everywhere else. I carry a message. Just don’t attach that word to me. OK! I’m laughing so it can’t be that bad.

I received a letter and I feel the need to record it here, omitting the details.

{Dear Al,

I am close friend of XXX and would like to do something special for XXX’s upcoming birthday. My idea is to put a book together with photos and stories of XXX’s life. This is where I need your help.

KNOWING XXX means that you have stories to tell. Some can be documented and some should remain unspoken. If you could put on paper or e-mail a story that comes to mind when you think of XXX, I would like to include it in the book. As all of you know XXX’s family and friends are important to XXX. So any special moments, thoughts, events that you would like to share and have remembered would make my endeavor a success. If you have pictures that NEED to be seen, please e-mail to me.

My goal is to make XXX laugh, cry and see how much her life means to all of us that have shared good times with her. I want this to be a keepsake for XXX, so the more people that contribute the more meaningful the project.

XXX has been a wonderful friend and this project is truly a gift of love. Let’s face it, what a better way to show a friend how much they mean to you, than to torture them with their past.}

My first thought was. Shit, here we go with the personal history! Haven’t I gotten rid of that? Then I read that last line and I thought of the fish who didn’t know that it was trapped.

Ram Dass told a story and he made reference but I don’t remember what the reference was. He said that a prisoner cannot escape if he doesn’t realize he is in prison. Until he realizes that he is in prison, escape is impossible.

I have always felt trapped. I have always been a prisoner not in a world of pain and torture but in a world of confusion which IS pain and torture. I always have been searching for the truth and I always new that I could not find it here but for many years I had no idea of where to look. It came to me in flashes but I didn’t know where it was coming from.

When my fear for God dissipated it was followed by anger. I was angry with the world for not giving me a choice. Religion and school, for that matter, had become someone’s version of what the truth should be. I felt as though I was being force fed someone else’s version of the truth and that I should be given a choice to compile my own version. That was how I defined the words minister and teacher. They were someone else’s messengers of what someone else’s version of the truth should be. The only escape that I could see was to establish my own version. If you needed a working definition of the word arrogance, there you go!

Lisa, gorgeous for God, was on ACIM gather on paltalk yesterday. I’ve extolled Lisa’s virtues as a minister and teacher. I am not that familiar with ACIM gather but David Fishman is obviously the force behind this message of truth. He is always there and he always says, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

Who wouldn’t want to be happy?

I only have one question. Are we through dredging up my personal history yet?

“Let us today be neither arrogant nor falsely humble. We have gone beyond such foolishness.”

God, I hope so!