W-203.1. (183) I call upon God’s Name and on my own.
Yesterday I was asked a question. It was really loud. “When are you going to stop with the “I’m not sure I want to give this all up,” shit!” The tone was in the form of, “Give me a break, already!” My first thought was that I couldn’t have put it better myself.
I tell people that I don’t dance but oh do I! And I do it so well. I told a woman who I was dating, one time, that my middle name was “no commitment.” She left, go figure? I always have had many excuses for not committing to something completely and I just keep on playing that role. And I do it so well.
“Walk the line.” “Straddle the fence.” My voter registration is as an independent. I have always equated freedom with not taking sides.
I have had the feeling, although I haven’t written about it, for sometime, that I felt stuck in between. As a matter of fact I have always felt like that. It’s like I have one foot in one place and the other foot in another place never allowing myself to move into one or the other completely. No commitment. I’ve always known it. It’s no secret. It’s another piece of personal history that I hold on to and it is a huge piece. It has to go. Ugh!
This goes well beyond simple procrastination. This is the self that endears me to me. This has always been my idea of freedom in the world that I think I see. It is not the freedom to do what I want to do but the freedom to not decide to do anything completely and totally. I talk about just letting things happen perfectly as they should but that is just an excuse for not making a decision one way or the other.
I can’t have both. I know that. I have known that. Yet I try. We all have our shit. Don’t we?
I have only been given two options. There is no in between for me anymore. Stop playing and dancing around! I have to make a choice. There are two voices that I listen to. I am well aware of both. If I were to say that I wasn’t sure which is which I would be going well beyond denial. I would be lying.
Truth or false? Reality or illusion? Peace or pain? Love or fear? Heaven or hell? Ultimately the choice could be termed a “no brainer.” The dilemma is not in which choice to make it is in the choosing. “Can I think about it for a while?” I get a resounding, “NO!” There is only now and the choice has already been made. So it only comes down to acceptance. There really is no choice.
July 21, 2008 at 2:59 pm |
you will like Chapter 2. There is much in it about straddling the fence and how that produces enormous conflict. and it says that now that you have awareness of your condition that you are attempting to be in two places at once … “as a result, the mind becomes increasingly sensitive to what it would have once have regarded as a very minor intrusion of discomfort.”
“The Atonement is a total commitment.”
it says whenever there is fear it is because you have not made up your mind. You mind is therefore split and your behavior inevitably becomes erratic.”
want to dance??