July 23, 2008 I am not a body. I am free. For I am still as God created me.

W-205.1. (185) I want the peace of God.

[The sole responsibility of the miracle worker is to accept the Atonement for himself.]

I had to repeat that. I have to repeat that over and over, I guess? I am confused as ever. I mentioned yesterday that I was going to involve my intellect. I said it wasn’t good but I was going to do it anyway. Good or bad is not a concern, I don’t think? Maybe I just had to at this point. I’ve been operating solely on trust, lately.

Yesterday I sat on the steps playing with that energy shift thing that I mentioned trying to remain at what I have termed as another step in the ladder. I suppose I had intended to write about it today but that happens all of the time and I never end up writing about what I thought I would because everything changes. Today my intellect is running.

I have never questioned the ability we have of manifesting whatever we want in this world. I have on many occasions done just that. It didn’t always work but many times it did. I also know it is like “selling your sole to the devil” because if you make the supposed “good” stuff happen you have to take the supposed “bad” stuff along with it. That happens.

I sit here this morning wondering, “Am I making this all up?” I know I am but that is not what I meant. I make everything up. I’m not talking about this blog being a fictitious rendering for your enjoyment. This blog was meant and is still the means I am using to account for things that are happening to me in response to my practice of “A Course in Miracles.” It is an actual account of what I happen to be experiencing at the moment. The question I am asking is, “Does this practice have merit or am I making it all up?” Am I humoring myself with experiences that I expect to be happening? Am I actually on some path to knowledge or am I creating it because I want it to be so? Hmm.

I’ve always viewed this life as sort of a game. Have I changed games or have I just changed the rules of the game? I mean all of those WOWS!, WOAHS! AND WAMMOS that I wrote about earlier in my blog seem very real but did I just make them up for my enjoyment or are they really relevant to the truth? I notice that all of those wonderful experiences have become Hmms, recently. Does that suggest doubt? Of course.

I have read countless books on the subject. I have corroborating evidence for the things that I am experiencing and for the beliefs that I have formed. I feel that had I not been able to relate these experiences to someone else’s experiences I would have gone mad by now but, knowing about these experiences before hand, am I creating the experiences that I would expect to happen to give myself the impression that I am actually making some sort of progress toward some goal that may or may not exist?

Do you see why I was reluctant to involve my intellect? But I had to because this is the dilemma that I have been facing. My dilemma is my seeming inability to commit 100% See? I needed this right now.

Lisa Natoli, gorgeous for God, said to me yesterday, “we all must make the decision to be uncompromising.” Awesome! I immediately thought, “Uncompromising intent.” I know that I don’t have it, obviously.

I want to make a full commitment. I want to have an uncompromising intent……..but. Can you see why the but is there? I know that I have to make a decision, now. Should I continue on the way I have been going or do I manifest up a great job with lots of money, a big house, a trophy wife, an expensive car, a full retirement account and just deal with the pain and death that will follow?

I think that the time has come where I need a sign. I need a huge miracle. I need more than a WHAMMO! I need my spirit rocked to the core! How about it Jesus? Rock my world!