September 18, 2008 Let me perceive no differences today.

I went over to Natoli’s place yesterday. Gorgeous for God. Yes, it is her place. It is more than just a blog. She has posts. She has audio and video.  It’s more than just a simple little blog like here. I felt the need to leave a comment. I didn’t want to. I felt I had to. Why? How, in hell, should I know? I really don’t want to do anything anymore. But I tried anyway. I typed and deleted and typed and deleted a few times more then I finally typed and I figured that that must be what I wanted to say because I wasn’t going to type anymore and just as I hit the “submit comment” box my internet connection crashed. The browser screen just was white. There was nothing there. There wasn’t even an error thingy.

I shut my computer off and that was the end of that. It would have been futile to keep trying to do something that I didn’t feel like doing anyway. Done trying.

Whatever it was that I typed it always began with, “I hear you. Loud and clear!” I just should have left it at that but I kept trying to explain. That is where the futility came in.

The last thing I left on my post yesterday was, “What outcome?”

We seem to think that we can gain happiness in doing something but in doing anything we are really looking for happiness in the outcome of whatever it is that we seem to be doing. If the outcome becomes meaningless which it always is anyway then what does that do to the doing part?

I have mentioned the campaigning thing that I have been involved in. I also mentioned that I have no attachment to the outcome of the election. I feel that I don’t but then I could be in denial of having an attachment because I believe, intellectually, that I shouldn’t have an attachment to it. Or I could have an attachment to some other outcome such as helping my friend be happy by doing something for him which substantiates the doing. It may not be “controlled folly” after all.

As I began to write this post the thought of “the needle in the haystack theory” drifted through my mind. Thoughts do that now. They drift in as if they are just following some flowing current. They don’t rush in and gobble up all of my attention anymore. That “anymore” implies that I am doing that before after thing again. See? I can’t help it! I just keep perceiving differences.

We seem to agree that “the needle in the haystack” thing is the hardest possible thing in the world to do. Why don’t I just get naked and lie in that pile of hay and let that needle find me? It will! I could roll around a little. Just one little prick and I’ve got it. It could happen now or it may take an eternity but what else do I have?