“Well I’m guilty, yeah I’m guilty,
I’ll be guilty for the rest of my life
How come I never do,
what I’m supposed to do
How come nothing that I try to do ever turns out right
Well you know how it is with me baby,
you know I just can’t stand myself
It takes a whole lot of medicine,
for me to pretend to be somebody else.”
–Bonnie Raitt
Does this song “ring a bell” for you?
Guilt is the binding agent. It’s the glue that sticks us to the thought of a world. How do you take your medicine? Our mind will seek the context of the word medicine in this case and will invariably lead to drugs and/or alcohol but any thought that you can’t “live” without is the medicine that you use to pretend to be someone else.
Let freedom “ring.” Simply stop pretending.
I watched the debate last night and really had the strong feeling that I am just an observer. I just watched and listened as if the outcome had no relevance. Not just this outcome, any outcome. This song came to mind and bear in mind that I have never heard it before, I don’t think.
“I’m standing on the outside
Finally on the outside looking in
I’m tearing out the page
breathing for a change
and it feels so good
to feel myself comming back to life
I’m finally on the outside
I’m finally on the outside
and I feel my world comming back to life
and my eyes are finally open again
and now I see it all in a different light
and I’m standing on the outside
finally on the outside
looking in”
Nick Lachey
I sit here thinking, “This is not right because there is no outside to look in from. There is no finally. There is no coming back.” Words, once again?
I attended a campaign meeting the other night. Yes, it is still going strong. The primary is over but now we are making the push to the election in November. People keep asking me what I expect to get out of this seemingly selfless act of helping. We can’t think of doing something without expecting something in return, can we? Even if it is merely “feeling good” about the doing it still is something. If I told you that I was not looking for anything I would be lying. I’m looking for the thing that I am always looking for, insight. That seems to be something after all.
The campaign manager asked me, “Why do people get so stressed doing this? It is just a game!” Bang!
Those were my words, exactly, for many years. It is only a game! Everything! I have played it so well. “Life is a carnival. Believe it or not?” -The Band. It’s one of my favorites.
When we play a game we are attempting to manipulate “things” in order to produce a favorable outcome.
I’m merely an observer. I am not a participant. In everything.
Did you notice that I did that I was, now I am thing again? I just can’t help myself. I don’t feel guilty. That medicine has a shitty after taste. We call it “life.”
Don’t you just love this stuff!
