January 15, 2009 My thoughts are images that I have made.

Wow. I haven’t written anything for 3 days. Why? I don’t know. It seems kind of meaningless to put a reason to it. Things are as they are. To say that they could have been or should have been different if…….? Means about as much as everything else.

This job thing is a great experience. I know. Humor me here. It’s not the job. I have been enjoying watching myself do the job. The thing that I have noticed is that I haven’t changed a bit. Did I expect to have changed? Yes and no. This is where it gets really good.

The lessons have all been about thoughts and meaning. I don’t really do the lessons everyday like before. I read them in the morning and take the idea with me all day. I notice that Al is behaving exactly as I have come to expect Al to behave. Al is still exactly as he has been.

When I have a responsibility it takes precedence over anything else including things that others deem important. I watch and see myself taking control. I watch and see myself placing a huge value on this responsibility. If this responsibility carries with it a deadline then watch out! Get out of my way! I notice and I am tempted to say, “Look at how you are behaving. You should know better.” Really?

I should know that it has no meaning. Really? Then why do I keep attaching meaning to it? I get all self-important over nothing. Why?

I know that I can’t change. Then I realize that I, kind of, expected this Al thing to change. It hasn’t. It still has the same old neurotic tendencies that it always had. That is when the temptation to say “I should know better” comes. I understand the futility of trying to change things around me. They don’t exist. By trying to change them I only make them seem real. But, I find my self expecting this Al thing to change. Same thing? You bet! Al is a habit.

So I am on the commuter train that is packed with people. It is not moving fast enough for me. I have things to do. Important things. Then I think, “I can dress Al up but I can’t take him anywhere.” Then I notice that all of these people are in the hot tub with me. But I digress. Maybe there will be more on that later. Chuckle.

I went back to that ACIM group. They were shocked to see that I had returned. I have to travel over 2 hours to get there. Then travel an hour to get home. I wasn’t shocked. I just found myself there. Asking why would only confuse the issue. So we sat around the table. (By the way, they are all in the hot tub too.) We read and analyze the material. They give their interpretation and I give mine. Are the interpretations different. Of course they are. Why wouldn’t they be? Do I attempt to make them “see” my interpretation? Now that would be really futile, wouldn’t it? Then why did I go back? Don’t know? Am I looking for something? Don’t know? Will I go back again? We will see when I get there or not.