I was just hanging out the other day and I noticed something. There was this “little” doubt thought just kind of lingering around. Now, I know that you are wondering what the doubt thought was about. I felt the temptation to define it and label it, also. Then I discarded that temptation. Why do I feel the need to do that? Label and categorize these things. There is only one doubt thought and I can choose to give it any meaning that I want, so why bother? But, I guess because this is my little game, I decided to look at it. I wanted to know what it was doing there and this was right after I had written about a need to quantify an understanding. Kind of cool, right?
As I was examining it, it consumed me. It felt as though I had been hit by a freight train. It just ate me right up. I felt a panic to alleviate this feeling. But I just sat there and felt it. Man, the feeling was so intense. It radiated throughout me. I can’t describe it. An intense craving, maybe? I don’t know. But I just sat there and allowed it to consume me. It became interesting because I noticed that, in that state of panic, I was searching for solutions outside of myself that may resolve this panic state. I thought of going out and surrounding myself with other people. I needed reassurance. That would do it! When I discounted that idea I thought, well maybe I can just call someone on the phone. Maybe just speaking with that person I would feel reassured. Then I scrapped that idea. Then I thought that maybe I should do something. Like run around cleaning the house. If I got rapped up in doing a project it would help get rid of this feeling. I could run from it. It seemed like a great idea but I just sat there noticing this feeling and my response to it. Then I remembered that I was not the one feeling this. I was the one noticing the feeling of a feeling. I was noticing the thought of panic. I was noticing the phenomenon. Then it kind of dissipated. But it took a while. Or did it?
I noticed something yesterday. I was walking up an escalator. I thought, “Check you out. Isn’t the escalator moving fast enough for you?” I just had to get somewhere faster than I was going? I mean, this is the guy who has been sitting here for a year writing about just allowing. Allowing things to happen without trying to tweak them, change them, hasten them or trying to control an outcome and here I am walking on an escalator! Shouldn’t I know better? All I can do is just notice. Does it really have to make sense?
January 21, 2009 at 9:55 am |
I relate- maybe in a different way, but I thought to share it that last night I kept playing music on my stereo, and recognized that I was using sounds to resist that simple spiritual practice of just sitting quietly.