4/12/2009 I share God’s Will for happiness for me.

Wow! Has it really been two months since I last posted? (It’s funny that I just miss typed month as moth and it brought to mind the whole moth thing that appeared last year, maybe just around this time.)

Why have I decided to post? I really don’t know. Why have I not written? I could say that it has been because I have been to busy but then this post, which centers on things outside of myself that cause a reaction, would be a contradiction.

The second job is winding down and, after all, this is a holiday. Opps, I just stopped to make coffee and I spilled coffee grounds on the floor so now I can’t possibly write anything because I’m distracted. Chuckle! The distractions are all around me!

Have you ever noticed how the ending of a period of arduous labor brings a peaceful feeling? Even the thought of a holiday brings a feeling of peace. We don’t have to deal with all of that shit “out there!” Even if it is happy shit. The feeling of change brings peace. How about a vacation?

But I digress. I am talking about peace but this post is supposed to be about happiness. That is the theme that we have been working with the last few days. But then peace and happiness are really the same thing. So is joy and love but we use them as if they are different facets of a new world that we seek. It intrigues me that we even take separation down to these little words. They really mean the same thing but we look for differences. We expect differences.

But, once again, I digress. I am here to talk about this new job thing that I have. Out of the blue it was offered to me a few months ago and I took it. Why? Because I have never been there before although I know it is no different then anything else. You figure that one out!

My boss asked me, “Are you happy with the job?” On the surface it sounds like a simple question. But, wow, how do I answer that? If I answer yes then I am lying. But that is the answer he is looking for. If I answer no then, in effect, I am telling him that the job doesn’t make me happy. He will think that I dislike the job. He will feel bad for offering it to me. He may even start to look for a replacement thinking that I will quit soon. Can I qualify the answer of no for him? I really don’t believe so. But, once again, that is my issue.

I realize that I have been put into this situation a countless number of times. Call it the feeling of the need to conform despite having a knowing that it should be different. How many of those times have I reacted to that feeling by “conforming!” How many of those times has that reaction fueled the illusion of separation in myself and others if there is indeed any others?

The real answer to that question is, “Why can’t I just be happy?” Why does something have to happen outside of myself to trigger, add to, subtract from that happiness that I just have? That’s all that I can have. That’s all that I can be. I get it! Why doesn’t he? Hmmmmm. I’ll let you answer that for yourself because I can’t answer for you.

See, if I were to answer “yes” to that question, not only would I be lying, but that one little word would perpetuate the belief that something could happen or should happen to contribute to or take from my feeling of happiness.

How many times have I done that? I recall something that I have said many times, always in jest, and only because I find anger to be a funny reaction to a situation. When I have noticed someone reacting to a situation with anger I have always said, “Doesn’t that just piss you off?” Hmmm?

How many times have I said, “I am happy for you!” Or, “I hope you have a good day.” I hope something good happens to contribute to you happiness today? Why can’t you just be happy?

What have I been teaching?

Happy Easter! Chuckle.

February 10, 2009 God goes with me wherever I go.

It’s been a while. Why? I really don’t know. I could guess, but what would that prove? That I could guess. I read this mornings lesson and I immediately remembered what I wrote last year.

“I took God to the gym with me today. I didn’t mention it to anyone for obvious reasons. They would have taken him into a little room and tried to sign him up for a year. They would have wanted to attach his bank account like we haven’t tried to take enough from him as it is.”

Something like that?

I have been doing a lot of remembering lately. Carlos Castaneda wrote of recapitulation. He was taught that he had to remember. Remember past events and review. I assumed that he was speaking about changing his views of bad experiences that he had that had affected his life and I suppose that that is true, sort of. Kind of like psychoanalysis. But now I see it differently. I have been remembering times when I have experienced a “holy instant” only to describe the experience as something else. The something else would be a way to explain a feeling of oneness as experienced by a seemingly separate individual.

I spoke to a woman after the last ACIM group thing that I attended and she mentioned an experience of body levitation that she had recently experienced. She had been lying in bed when her whole body seemed to levitate off of the bed. She explained the experience and mentioned that she has tried to recreate that experience to no avail. I told her not to try and when it happened again to not try to explain it. Just experience it.

What else could I say?

So I have been remembering and rethinking these experiences that I have had of a glimpse of the truth. It is funny because I just over heard someone on TV saying that she had a time when she had to look at herself face to face. That’s it! Coming face to face with who or what you really are. It necessitates explaining is as something else. The need to feel separate and individual counters the vision of one.

So, in the case of this woman, she sees her oneness with everything and the reaction is to explain it as something that can only be explained in the world. It must be……this. We cannot possibly be everywhere and everything therefore the only explanation for this feeling must be……. I cannot be everywhere and everything. I have to be someone being somewhere seeing something. Therefore it manifests or projects as such.

I’ve been remembering all of these experiences that I have had and the explanations that I had given them to explain away the phenomenon of oneness. It is becoming clear that every experience is just a reaction to the vision of oneness. Only the perspective changes. Only the state of mind changes. So I can explain the vision of oneness as being sick. That must have been it. Right?

So there was only one “holy instant.” I keep reliving that one “holy instant” explaining it as something else because it can’t possibly be what it seemed to be. That is everything I experience. Simply a reaction to the truth. Which seems impossible only because I don’t want it to be true. So I react with anger at being called an asshole or I have an out of body experience. Same thing. You bet!

January 25, 2009 I do not know what anything is for.

“Purpose is meaning. Today’s idea explains why nothing you see means anything. You do not know what it is for. Therefore, it is meaningless to you. Everything is for your own best interests. That is what it is for; that is its purpose; that is what it means. It is in recognizing this that your goals become unified. It is in recognizing this that what you see is given meaning.

You perceive the world and everything in it as meaningful in terms of ego goals. These goals have nothing to do with your own best interests, because the ego is not you. This false identification makes you incapable of understanding what anything is for. As a result, you are bound to misuse it. When you believe this, you will try to withdraw the goals you have assigned to the world, instead of attempting to reinforce them.

Another way of describing the goals you now perceive is to say that they are all concerned with “personal” interests. Since you have no personal interests, your goals are really concerned with nothing. In cherishing them, therefore, you have no goals at all. And thus you do not know what anything is for.

Before you can make any sense out of the exercises for today, one more thought is necessary. At the most superficial levels, you do recognize purpose. Yet purpose cannot be understood at these levels. For example, you do understand that a telephone is for the purpose of talking to someone who is not physically in your immediate vicinity. What you do not understand is what you want to reach him for. And it is this that makes your contact with him meaningful or not.

It is crucial to your learning to be willing to give up the goals you have established for everything. The recognition that they are meaningless, rather than “good” or “bad,” is the only way to accomplish this. The idea for today is a step in this direction.”

January 24, 2009 I do not perceive my own best interests.

“In no situation that arises do you realize the outcome that would make you happy. Therefore, you have no guide to appropriate action, and no way of judging the result. What you do is determined by your perception of the situation, and that perception is wrong. It is inevitable, then, that you will not serve your own best interests. Yet they are your only goal in any situation which is correctly perceived. Otherwise, you will not recognize what they are.”

These lessons are great. In addition to practicing these lessons it is necessary to read, read and read again. Read them a hundred times. Then read them again slowly. Practice and read.

January 21, 2009 I am determined to see things differently.

I was just hanging out the other day and I noticed something. There was this “little” doubt thought just kind of lingering around. Now, I know that you are wondering what the doubt thought was about. I felt the temptation to define it and label it, also. Then I discarded that temptation. Why do I feel the need to do that? Label and categorize these things. There is only one doubt thought and I can choose to give it any meaning that I want, so why bother? But, I guess because this is my little game, I decided to look at it. I wanted to know what it was doing there and this was right after I had written about a need to quantify an understanding. Kind of cool, right?

As I was examining it, it consumed me. It felt as though I had been hit by a freight train. It just ate me right up. I felt a panic to alleviate this feeling. But I just sat there and felt it. Man, the feeling was so intense. It radiated throughout me. I can’t describe it. An intense craving, maybe? I don’t know. But I just sat there and allowed it to consume me. It became interesting because I noticed that, in that state of panic, I was searching for solutions outside of myself that may resolve this panic state. I thought of going out and surrounding myself with other people. I needed reassurance. That would do it! When I discounted that idea I thought, well maybe I can just call someone on the phone. Maybe just speaking with that person I would feel reassured. Then I scrapped that idea. Then I thought that maybe I should do something. Like run around cleaning the house. If I got rapped up in doing a project it would help get rid of this feeling. I could run from it. It seemed like a great idea but I just sat there noticing this feeling and my response to it. Then I remembered that I was not the one feeling this. I was the one noticing the feeling of a feeling. I was noticing the thought of panic. I was noticing the phenomenon. Then it kind of dissipated. But it took a while. Or did it?

I noticed something yesterday. I was walking up an escalator. I thought, “Check you out. Isn’t the escalator moving fast enough for you?” I just had to get somewhere faster than I was going? I mean, this is the guy who has been sitting here for a year writing about just allowing. Allowing things to happen without trying to tweak them, change them, hasten them or trying to control an outcome and here I am walking on an escalator! Shouldn’t I know better? All I can do is just notice. Does it really have to make sense?

January 19, 2009 I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts.

I Googled, “Quantify an understanding” and I got:

How We Measure Learning:

Our web-based system for evaluating and analyzing learning has the capabilities you need to thoroughly examine the impact of your educational programs and determine your return on learning investment.

That thought surfaced this morning as I was doing the lesson. So naturally I had to quantify it. I’m thinking that you must have felt it, too. Right?

I have to say that it has been an interesting week. How could it not be? I’ve explained my foray into what I described as another world. I’ve noticed the fear associated with this apparent change. Yes, it all is fear regardless of how it seems to manifest. The feeling that I have to control. The feeling that I have to change to survive in this “new world.” The fact that I perceive differences and feel a need to control or adapt to those differences is a manifestation of fear. Feeling a need to explain how I feel is a manifestation of fear, regardless of feeling that I can or not.

I feel a need to understand something. I feel a need to understand why or how. I can ramble on about the underlying metaphysics of this feeling, but why?

This is a weekend of celebration. It is a weekend in which I am involved in celebrations of a society that seemingly has come to terms with certain differences with an acknowledgement that there is much more work to do. Indeed there is. As long as those differences are apparent there is much work to do. There is also a need to quantify progress. We celebrate the acknowledgement of a change in perception, collectively.

I have found myself directly involved in celebrations that I hadn’t planned to be involved in. I noticed many things, not about history, not about the will of a society to overcome differences, not about celebration of an achievement in world consciousness but changes that I noticed in my thoughts or perceptions. I sit here grappling with this thought because it represents a change or, in this case I am viewing it as an improvement in the way I see. And I am sitting here attempting to quantify these apparent changes. Haven’t I mentioned the futility of attempting to do this in this blog many times?

The only difference was that I spent the weekend noticing what I was thinking rather then trying to figure out what everyone else was thinking. More precisely trying to understand what, why and how.

So I experienced an impromptu weekend. I write about it as if it was different then any other weekend. Only in that I accepted it to be as such. During two events I was asked to speak to a large number of people in the audience. At the first event I was given notice as I entered that I was expected to speak. 100 people, more or less. At the second I was just called up to the podium. How impromptu is that! So what did I do? I spoke. What else would I do? If differences are apparent then, at both events, I was different. Was there fear. Actually there was an understanding that I can’t quantify.

What did I say? I really don’t know. What I didn’t say was that I could understand. How could I possibly understand how, why or what anyone feels? I knew that I could only understand without trying to quantify that understanding. So I said what I said. I was amazed at how strong that feeling of understanding was. At the second I did remark that whatever situation I found myself in, no matter how different it seemed that all I could do was to proceed with the understanding that it was the perfect situation for me at that moment. How can it not be?

I have been asked what it felt like to be “put on the spot?” I have been asked what I “got” out of the experience. All I have been able to say was that I learned a lot. But I can’t really say that there was learning involved. I saw clearly the futility in trying to understand what, how or why someone else thought or felt. I saw clearly the futility in trying to understand what, how or why I thought or felt. It was clear to me that all I could do was to understand and in that understanding I was doing everything. Now I notice that I want to quantify that statement and I can’t.

Can you hear me? I’m betting that you can.

January 15, 2009 My thoughts are images that I have made.

Wow. I haven’t written anything for 3 days. Why? I don’t know. It seems kind of meaningless to put a reason to it. Things are as they are. To say that they could have been or should have been different if…….? Means about as much as everything else.

This job thing is a great experience. I know. Humor me here. It’s not the job. I have been enjoying watching myself do the job. The thing that I have noticed is that I haven’t changed a bit. Did I expect to have changed? Yes and no. This is where it gets really good.

The lessons have all been about thoughts and meaning. I don’t really do the lessons everyday like before. I read them in the morning and take the idea with me all day. I notice that Al is behaving exactly as I have come to expect Al to behave. Al is still exactly as he has been.

When I have a responsibility it takes precedence over anything else including things that others deem important. I watch and see myself taking control. I watch and see myself placing a huge value on this responsibility. If this responsibility carries with it a deadline then watch out! Get out of my way! I notice and I am tempted to say, “Look at how you are behaving. You should know better.” Really?

I should know that it has no meaning. Really? Then why do I keep attaching meaning to it? I get all self-important over nothing. Why?

I know that I can’t change. Then I realize that I, kind of, expected this Al thing to change. It hasn’t. It still has the same old neurotic tendencies that it always had. That is when the temptation to say “I should know better” comes. I understand the futility of trying to change things around me. They don’t exist. By trying to change them I only make them seem real. But, I find my self expecting this Al thing to change. Same thing? You bet! Al is a habit.

So I am on the commuter train that is packed with people. It is not moving fast enough for me. I have things to do. Important things. Then I think, “I can dress Al up but I can’t take him anywhere.” Then I notice that all of these people are in the hot tub with me. But I digress. Maybe there will be more on that later. Chuckle.

I went back to that ACIM group. They were shocked to see that I had returned. I have to travel over 2 hours to get there. Then travel an hour to get home. I wasn’t shocked. I just found myself there. Asking why would only confuse the issue. So we sat around the table. (By the way, they are all in the hot tub too.) We read and analyze the material. They give their interpretation and I give mine. Are the interpretations different. Of course they are. Why wouldn’t they be? Do I attempt to make them “see” my interpretation? Now that would be really futile, wouldn’t it? Then why did I go back? Don’t know? Am I looking for something? Don’t know? Will I go back again? We will see when I get there or not.

January 11, 2009 My meaningless thoughts are showing me a meaningless world.

It’s snowing and my dog won’t go out in the snow. I would say that he doesn’t like getting his paws wet but how would I know that? But he has to go out. He can’t go in. So I trick him. I yell, “Squirrel!” Then I open the door and he bounds out barking as if there is no snow on the ground. He doesn’t even hesitate for a second. He is so fixated on getting that squirrel, which only exists in his mind, that he “ignores” everything else around him. Then when he doesn’t find the squirrel he does his business and comes back in. It works every time! It’s tempting to call him stupid but if you do it only means you have work to do.

When you begin to watch your thoughts with some regularity you will notice yourself doing exactly the same thing. One thought will loom enormous and you can’t help but fixate on that one thought, oblivious to all of the other thoughts that persist. Anger is the most obvious but any thought carries with it that power. Let me rephrase that. The thought has no power. We give it that power.

You will be intent on watching your thoughts and then one will take you into oblivion. Then minutes, hours or days later you will wake up to the fact that you haven’t been watching as you had planned. You gave one thought the power to take you away.

When I first did this lesson I did it from the perspective that I had to see the thoughts and analyze them to prove that they were indeed meaningless. Now I see the futility in doing that. The process of analysis gives the thought power. It may not be the power that will remove you from the exercise but none the less, through analysis, you give that thought a reality that it doesn’t have. The exercise is only to show you how you give meaning to the thought. Without the meaning the thought is nothing. If the thought has no meaning then the world it creates has no meaning, also.

January 10, 2009 My thoughts do not mean anything.

Can I have an intellectual view of this lesson? Can I write about my thoughts on my thoughts meaning nothing? I may have, last year, now that I think about it! I’m laughing!

I recall being so attracted to those thoughts that seem to exist around me. I wanted to grab them and hold them. My thoughts are cool! Have you ever tired to grab smoke? Don’t lie.

So now I have this job thing. It is like I have entered an alien world. I’ve known that this world existed but I never went to it. Now I find myself “immersed” in it. I get this feeing that I cannot exist in this world doing things the way I have been. Really? I can actually feel the need to join in. I’ve been on “auto pilot” for a long time. I feel the need to take control. I am flooded with new thoughts, all around me. Alien thoughts. I feel the need to take control of them. I feel the need to organize them. I want them to make sense. Hmmm.

Someone asked me how I was doing. I said, “Can you catch attention deficit disorder?” I feel awash in thoughts that I don’t understand. It is really funny to look at. I can feel the feeling of disorder and confusion.

I’ve always viewed this new world as a world filled with self-importance. Can I survive in this world without it? It’s almost like a magnetic attraction drawing me in. I feel the pull. I also notice that there only seems to be two alternatives. I can immerse myself in this alien world with all of the experience and cunning that I have assumed existed in me or I can resist the attraction with the strength of what I used to view as my will.

I notice that I can’t decide which to choose. Actually, I notice that I keep fluctuating between the two. Is it possible to choose one over the other or can I only fluctuate between the two? I notice myself wondering which will result in peace. It seems like neither will. Fluctuating between the two will only make it worse. Right? I feel trapped. I have to choose. How did I allow myself to get drawn into this alien world? Shouldn’t I know better? Have I created, yet, another prison for myself?

I notice the feelings. I notice how strong they seem. Then I remember who is noticing.

January 8, 2009 My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts.

Interesting lesson. I started a job. I am tempted to call it a “new job’ but that doesn’t seem to fit. I’ve never done this job before. People are asking me, “How is it?” “How can I possibly know?” The only other answer that I could give would involve assumptions based on past experience. Fruitless? You bet.

These lessons are perfect because I am searching my mind for preconceived notions about what I expect the job to be. Have you ever noticed that when someone starts a new job they burst into it with enthusiasm and at the beginning they tell you that it is great! “I am so happy! It couldn’t be better?” Think about that! We go into it with the expectation that it will be great. How can it not be? But we also add other expectations based on our past experiences. We actually create a vision of what this job will “look like.” We create a vision of things that will happen that will make this job fun. We define what good will look like in advance?????? We anticipate “happy” but we add conditions to it. How can I possibly know in advance? When the job doesn’t meet all of those expectations that I put on it in begins to suck. “It is not what I thought it would be!” Right?

It’s the same thing with relationships. I meet a woman. She seems perfect. So I envision her to have these qualities that I have come to expect perfection to be based on my past experiences. Then I actually expect her to possess all of these qualities. When she doesn’t “measure up” I get disappointed. Then I think that I can change her and make her into that perfect being that I came to expect. Then she starts throwing stuff at me because she sees me as a control freak.

True for everything? Of course. I define the future based on the past. Then I actually expect it to appear exactly as I envisioned it. When it doesn’t I can’t understand why it didn’t. Now, I could say, “Well, I used to be that way but I know better now.” But that statement just shows that I don’t. Did I merely create a vision of what knowing better would be?

See, I just notice it now.

I attended an ACIM group the other night. No shit! It was the first time that I ever met other people who were students of the Course. They actually look like regular people! I stumbled upon it on line. It was like an hour from my house but I knew immediately that I would attend. I just had to.

What do you think I noticed during the drive? My mind kept “slipping” into expectations of what I would experience when I got there. So I laughed all the way there. How could I possibly know? Had I allowed my mind to produce those expectations would I have had the great experience that I did have. Of course not! I would have, most likely, been disappointed.

They are a brand new group. I told them that I may not be able to continue going because of the distance and my new job situation. But, secretly, I figured I wouldn’t be able to help it. I would just have to go back. See, I am doing it again? Expecting something by trying not to expect anything. All I can really do is to notice it. Try it. Just the noticing part.

January 5, 2009 I am never upset for the reason I think.

I watched football yesterday. I enjoy the game of football. I played it and I enjoy the battle and the strategy. I have a team. My team. No, I don’t own it. I don’t have any interest in the team per se I just picked it to be my team. So I do have some interest in the team because I chose to. My team was chosen on a regional basis. I grew up in the area and the team that represented that area just became my team. I know others that chose their teams for various reasons. It could have been because of past success. It could have been for past failure. Rooting for the underdog. (A view of yourself?) Maybe their was a certain player years ago that you identified with and you just started rooting for that team and never stopped. I know one person who chose their team because of the colors of the uniforms. Another because they liked the animal that the team chose as its mascot.

Some people become so attached to the team they chose, they refer to the team and themselves as we. Now that is really attachment!

My team didn’t play this weekend. So I watched other people’s teams play. I may tell you that it really doesn’t matter who wins because my team isn’t playing but if I really search hard I can find tell tale signs that I prefer one over the other. There are any number of reasons that I choose a particular team. It even could be because I dislike the other team for some reason. Maybe they beat my team and I would like them to take a beating in return. “There you go, take that! You deserved it!” It’s not my team playing so the outcome doesn’t really doesn’t trigger a huge emotional response. If the team I am rooting for wins I don’t run around slapping high fives with strangers nor do I get angry if the team I am rooting for looses. I may just have a mild feeling of disappointment.

So I just sit and watch and notice this feeling of disappointment or satisfaction as the game progresses. The score changes and my feelings change along with it. Up/ down, happy/ sad. I think, “Why do I feel this way?” I know that I have absolutely to control over the outcome. I could root harder. I could get on my knees in front of the TV cheering and yelling but is that going to change the outcome of a play? No. I have absolutely no control over the outcome. But I am still feeling these emotional changes all through the game. If my team is losing bad enough I may want to shut off the TV because it becomes too hard to bear. Or if my team is winning by a large margin I get the “kick them while they are down’ feeling.

Then I realize that the outcome of this game will not affect my life at all. I still have to get up the next morning and do what I do, regardless. Unless I bet on the game I have no financial interest in the outcome. Why would I bet on something that I have no control over? I don’t get it?

So I want to know why I am feeling this way? If I have no control over the outcome. If the outcome can’t possibly affect my life as I know it. Why do I feel this way?

“I am never upset for the reason I think.” That is all I have to know, now.

Eventually I will understand that this applies to everything. But why rush it? So I begin noticing the obvious and allow it to work from there. This is only lesson 5, after all.